Showing posts tagged rant

WHY DOES AN AD FOR A PROTESTANT EVANGELICAL MEGACHURCH KEEP PLAYING ON MY AL GREEN/MUSIC TO HAVE SEX TO PANDORA STATION?!?!

1) Fuck off, I’m Catholic!

2) Do you not understand the point of this station?!  That’s a real fucking mood killer man. Not just talking about fire and brimstone but your boring ass voice too. Go advertise on some wannabe christian rock station or some shit. Assholes.

It really bothers me when there’s a really nice bathroom but they don’t have any type of dividers between the urinals. Especially on campus here. It’s like they over charge us for everything, spend thousands, maybe tens of thousands to renovate the bathrooms in the more important buildings because they’re wasteful fucks, but they couldn’t be bothered to spend a few extra dollars on a few pieces of cheap wood or plastic to separate the 10 brand new designer urinals. Men are disgusting but we like a little bit of privacy too sometimes. Especially when we get stuck next to a creepy obnoxious frat boy that just realized he has a secret craving for juicy Mexican sausage. Or a dude that drank all night and is splattering a little too much. I think instead of paying thousands of dollars in lab fees for classes I’m never going to take, or for the brand new polished marble counter top three feet away, I’d rather my money go to basic hygienic structures like that. Assholes.

Don’t ever ask me why I do the things the way I do them in that superior sounding faux concerned/apologetic voice again, or I will snap your neck like a chicken. Just because you’re an engineer doesn’t mean you know how to do anything except type equations into a calculator. I can thaw out my dinner wherever I damn well please without your know-it-all attitude. Especially since the only reason I put it where it was is because you are too stupid to train your dogs properly and they have a habit of eating my food if it’s not in a sealed box or being actively guarded by me. Like seriously what the fuck?! They always somehow manage to climb up the stove that is three times taller than them to steal my shit. And while we’re on the subject, never try to give me your shitty cooking advice again. Ever. You’re not allowed to criticize how I thaw my food or how I sprinkle my fucking grated cheese. You’ve never managed to cook a meal in your life without either burning it or somehow making the entire house smell like shit for two days straight. You’re the one who flooded our kitchen with soap, clogged our dishwasher by putting a coffee filter FULL OF COFFEE GROUNDS in it, TWICE, and ruined half of my pans. Don’t fucking mess with me asshole. I’m being nice to you because you’re emotionally underdeveloped and remind me of my little brother. I’d feel bad if I had to make you cry… but if you keep saying and doing stupid shit I will destroy you.

So we’re not allowed in the US to buy Cuban cigars and rum (or anything else) because the government doesn’t want more money going to the communist regime. So shouldn’t they reward us for stealing Cuban rum and cigars and having a good time at the commies expense? But noooo, our government has to be ass backwards and want to hurt them but also hurt us for trying to help our cause. FREEDOM!!!

If your weapon changes color and you hands are blistering PUT IT THE FUCK DOWN!!!! *inhuman rage screeching*

No, Gamestop, I don’t want to create an account on your website. I just want what I paid for! I bought the disc in your store so I wouldn’t have to deal with online downloads and redemption codes. If I knew you were gonna do this BS I would have just bought it the normal way through Steam and it would be done by now.

Damnit you had better not start World War III motherfuckers! I swear someone had better back down soon. This isn’t a dick measuring contest, you’re all playing with shit you obviously don’t understand. Yes we have the best weapons tech but they’re not far behind and they have a literal horde backing them up. Not only that but the military upper leadership has proven repeatedly that they have absolutely no idea how to deal with basic modern low-inensity warfare situations let alone a full scale war against a modernized military with real weapons and funding. And it’s probably the same for the other side too. Do you know what that means? That means it’s happening exactly the same way it happened a hundred years ago. A whole century later and you assholes haven’t learned shit! Bunch of idiots with high rank and no experience fucking around with weapons they don’t understand, itching to satisfy their own overly romantisized sense of glory or justice. But really it’ll just be the largest nations on Earth in a full scale war and using a little incident in a small nation as their excuse for a fight. What’s happening in Syria is bad but it isn’t worth starting a larger global conflict over it. That’s what it’ll be; waves of people dying as the leadership fails to comprehend the implications of our new technology. Except now it’s not just gas and machine guns, some idiot might get a little anxious to launch nukes too if their losing badly enough. And the ones that suffer most won’t be the ones behind it, it will be the troops and their families, and the civilians in whatever places the main fronts happen to be.


But realistically speaking, the big nations are scared, and secretly well aware of how woefully inadequate they would be in a real war. So most likely someone will back down, and if not then the “actions” taken will probably be the same as they have been for years. Bomb the neutral battleground country to shit, everyone declares victory and leaves the locals to pick up the pieces. I don’t know which is worse, the idea of another massive war or the idea that out national governments are too scared to do the only thing they were created for. 

Why is my roommate sleeping on the couch? Why can’t I use my own living room on a Saturday night? Why is my roommate trying to sleep at 12:30 ON A SATURDAY NIGHT?! Why am I asking myself rhetorical questions on the internet? Find out on the next episode of “The fuck is this shit?!”

WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE THROWS AWAY SOMEONE ELSE’S SPICES?!?! What idiot thinks of doing that?! BITCH you don’t even cook! What the fuck were you doing in my spice cabinet anyway? Think you know everything because you’re good at physics. Hmpf! I don’t want your shitty cooking advice on how to make tasteless burned food and I especially don’t want you throwing my shit away unless it’s literally growing hellspawn soul eating demon mold out of it. Get the fuck out of my kitchen and don’t let me see you around here again unless you brink pizza as tribute. Dumbass motherfucker.

Nope. That’s it. I’m done. Every time I try to be friendly to someone while I’m sober I manage to fuck it up and piss them off or make them cry. No more human contact for me for the rest of the weekend. It’s for your own good, I swear it. I’ve got to protect the world from myself. Farewell.

Attention nubes

GET OUT OF MY TOWN!!! You’re leeching all the bandwidth. When I got back a week ago the internet was great, streaming youtube and Netflix in HD and all that shit. Now that there are 50,000 more of you here I have trouble even staying connected. I had good internet for the first time in months but it lasted less than a week and you ruined it. So stop downloading porn and looking up pintrest crafts that you will never be able to do properly and go back to your big cities with your fancy fiber optic cables and let me enjoy this for a while longer ok? And don’t complain about hiw it’s so much slower here than in Dallas and Austin or wherever you’ve from. It was great until you go here. Now all I can do for fun is read and drink alone without the internet and it’s all your fault. Kthanksbye.

P.S. Obligatory cable internet company: Stop sucking

I wonder what happened to the posts I typed out that were lost in the great collapse last night? Did they disappear into the void never to be seen again, or were they transported like so many others to someone else’s blog? Did some random person have a paragraph long rant about how it’s still socially acceptable to mistreat and discriminate against fat people irrevocably published on their blog for all the world to see?

Does anyone else ever feel like they lost the genetic lottery?

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that they lost the genetic lottery in a huge way? Like I have the genes to be 6’2”, naturally slim and toned, be really attractive and have nice hair and be like a greek god except Mexican. But instead I’m average height, chubby, and everyone is scared of my face. No amount of exorcise and eating right (or lack therof) seems to be able to affect my body at all so I’m just riding the wind here hoping that my metabolism decides not to fuck me over even more. Shit damnit I got my personality from my father’s side of the family, why couldn’t I get their unnatural beauty too?! Like I’m pretty sure they became that way to make up for the fact that they’re all assholes but I didn’t inherit that particular defensive mechanism so now I’m just showing the worst possible genetic traits from both sides of the family and… just… If I end up getting arthritis at a young age too I’ll be really pissed at the world and probably become a super villain! Fuck this shit! I’m out!

I’m 20 years old. People in my graduating class from high school are already  married and have kids. One of them has three kids from two different fathers. One of them married a girl two gades younger than us, had a kid, and then got divorced. Let me rephrase that. SOMEONE TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME IS DIVORCED WITH A CHILD. I’m 20 years old. I’ve been out of high school for three years. MANY people younger than me are married, more have children, and a few are divorced. And I’m just here trying to figure out if I should eat pizza or chinese for diner and what to watch on Netflix tonight, in my apartment, alone. What the fuck?

The problem with humans in politics (And US politics in particular)

The problem is that 99.9% of politically active people (and most of the non-active ones too) claim to be fighting for freedom. They claim that their certain ideology is fighting for basic rights while the other party is trying to steal them. But the problem is they’re both right and both wrong. They really only care about their own rights. They only give a shit about what affects them or other members of their party, everyone else be damned. They gladly support taking away or infringing on the rights of the opposite party. They mock your plight when your way of life is attacked by the government or social police. When they are the minority party they oppose the growth of the government and it’s impositions on our lives, but when in power they support the exact same actions. They say “well of course, you’re the opposition, you must deserve it somehow. PIG! DOG! Go away and stop complaining”. They like to fancy that they’re different from each other, but they’re not. They’re all the same. Red or Blue, Left or Right, they’re superficially different but at the core they are the same beast. And anyone of any other ideology, any party than the perpetually warring two, will instantly be labeled as radicals, insane, and discredited by both party’s and the media working together to keep their duopoly. As long as this continues we will always be oppressed. We will always be filled with hate with fear, with resent. We’ll always imagine that we are perfect and the enemy is perfectly evil. In reality we’re all monsters, and until we can all sit down as a society and have informed and neutral discussions about the state of politics, nothing will change.